Guilt

Infertility gave me many feelings. So many bad ones. If I had to choose one feeling that hurt me the most, I would choose guilt. Guilt of not being able to give my husband a child.

It took me only few years that I accepted that I was not able to have a child. But it took me almost a decade before I got rid off the guilt.

It seemed so unfair. My husband remained childless only because of loving me. I feared that one day, when he was old & grey, he would regret staying married with me. Obviously I knew that he married me because he loved me. But still.

I tried to have this conversation many times with him, but he refused to hear anything. But then, one day (few years ago) I made him listen what I had to say.

I told him that I loved him more then anything. And that it would break my heart if I knew that one day he regretted the decision to stay with me. Because with this decision he lost opportunity to have children with someone else. And that if he wished to get a divorce, it would break my heart, but I would completely understand it and signed everything.

The moment was so sad, so emotional, so  I do not really remember what he said. I remember just lots of crying & kisses & hugs.

And... we lived happily ever after. Together. Forever.

*****

I still feel good about having that conversation. My guilt dissapeared that day.

Adopting? No, thank you (part II)

Few years ago a young woman wrote a book about foster system in our country. She was put in the foster family aged 4 if I remember correctly. She spent more than a decade in foster family and she had many bad experiences.

The book is beautifully written. I was deeply touched when reading a book. There were so many touching moments in the book. For example - her memories about being 8 or 10 years old and begging social workers to put her in adoption. How she wished to be loved.

I told my husband many times, if I met a little girl (even if 10 years old) that was so sweet, I would love to adopt.  

Years passed by and I forgot about that book and the author.

And then - I saw her again two days ago, on national news. She is accused of a criminal act (cheating many parents - she took the money as deposit for daycare that she had no intention to really open). 

***
My conclusion. Blood is not water (proverb in my country). Adopting just carries too many risks that I am not willing to take. Neither is my DH.

I was disappointed in this author. I watched some interviews and I was really impressed with her - the energy that she had. She was so kind and confident. I guess she is just really good in manipulating.

But can you imagine, how disappointed I would be, if my adopted child turned out to be like that?

How old are your children?

I was left without my usual lunch buddies today, so I went to self service  restaurant alone. There I met two colleagues so I joined them. We have been working for the same company together for five years, but we do not know each other well since they work in another department.

Anyway, we were chatting a bit. They are both my age. Both married. Both have two children. When the kid topic began I just ate lunch quietly and wished I had my usual lunch buddies (from my department) with me.

And suddenly one of them asked me: "And how old are your children?"

I was in total shock.

So far I learnt to deal with a question "Do you have children?". It is simple. In most cases I just say "No." Simple as that. And do not comment any further.

But on today's question it was not possible to answer only with "No.".

Tattoos

Some days ago I was chatting to a woman I know through work. She is around 30 and planning to have a baby in the near future.

I was commenting her tattoo. Not that I would ever have a tattoo myself. But I liked hers.

She said that she would have further two tattoos in the following years: two tattoos with a name for each child she is planning to have. I joked and said that she has to have then a tattoo with the name of her husband as well. 

She responded that with men you never know, how long it was going to last so she would never have a tattoo with husband's name. And when you have a child, you have him for good.

I couldn't keep quiet and I disagreed. I commented that you have a child for 20 years or so. But then there is no guarantee that you really have him / her still in your life. 

***
My mother - for example - she really has my dad. He has been with her every day for the last 42 years. But - does she really have me? I love her (well, both of them). But for me, it is quite enough if I see them once a month. So - does my mother really have me?

***
Since not having children I really focused all my love towards my husband. I really really feel he is the love of my life. And yes - if I had a tattoo - I would love to put his name somewhere on me. To be always close to me. For good.

Drugs? No, thank you!

I am learning all the time. Last time that I went to my gynecologist, I really felt bad, while waiting with all pregnant ladies. So for today's appointment (Pap cervical smear) I wanted to be the first patient, early in the morning. It was lovely to come to completely empty waiting room :)

We talked a bit. So I explained about my ten (!) IVFs. And how demanding the last cycle, using donor egg, was. And that we gave up and are just trying to enjoy our childfree life, as it is. My conclusion was that despite all efforts, medicine can not help always. And my gynecologist agreed.

She noticed the remark on my chart that I have regular periods, every 24 days. Lots of doctor knew that, but nobody paid any attention to it so far. My gynecologist said that we could put my periods in order. And I just asked, if she meant taking some drugs. Obviously that was the intention.

I just started to laugh and explained that I have taken enough drugs till the end of my life.

So...  my period & I will live happily ever after, every 24 days. Till it disappears... for good.

***
I feel good. Having a power to say No, thank you, to drugs.

19.213 kids

Yesterday was a tough day. It was the first day of a new school year. So the only topic everywhere, including all media, was school children.

There are 19.213 kids in the first grade in my country (total population: 2 million). If everything went well with my 1st IVF, our child would be born in 2006. Which means I would be a mother to a first grader this year. But I am not. I will never be. So school related topics are hard for me.

***
(since I have blocked tubes, our only possibility was IVF, but it did not work out. Our first dream was to get pregnant on our honey moon. It would be lovely to bring a baby back from New York / Niagara falls / Jasper National Park / Vancouver / San Francisco / Washington.  If that dream came true, our child would be already in 3rd grade).


***

Time to stop dreaming & to go to work! 

OUR children

I spent the years from 2009 - 2011 in deciding whether to go for an egg donation or not. At the end I decided that I would love the baby more then anything, even if he/she didn't have my genes.

So - exactly one year ago we drove to Czech Republic, to a clinic for an egg donation. We liked the clinic that we chose.  Everything went smoothly, we were thrilled to get two super good embryos. It is just that my body rejected them... 

I am not sad any more. It is just a part of my infertility journey that I had to walk before I could accept my childfree life for good.

Whenever I thought in the last year about our children, I always thought of the last two embryos. That had my husband's genes & genes of 20-something Czech girl. Not mine.

***
Few days ago me and my DH commented how unfocused, unorganized, without a goal some teenagers are. And that our children would be different since I would be their mother. I just commented that he could never be sure since our children wouldn't have my genes.

 DH said, that he never ever thinks about a child from an egg donation. That for him, when he thinks about our children, he thinks only about the children that would be really ours.

With that sentence my darling husband gave me a dream of our children back. Our children, that will stay for good only in our dreams...

***
It is a rainy, cold Saturday morning. I will go for a long walk through the forest with my beloved Wolf, who is already anxiously waiting for me.